He's Just Not That Into You

I don’t really like self-help books; I already know how to help myself.  If I lack anything, it’s in motivation, not advice.

I’m also not a huge fan of relationship books; since I rarely find myself in a relationship, those books just piss me off.

I’d heard good things about He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, however, and decided to check it out, and I admit that I’m a fan.

Let me get this clear up front: I am not the target audience.  This book was written and will be most appreciated by women, especially women stuck with losers and need a wake-up call.

Written by a couple of people who had done work on Sex and the City, this book is about recognizing when men are serious about their romantic relationships and when they’re “just not that into you.”  In a way, it almost seems like an anti-relationship book, because so much of the book is devoted to recognizing that your man is a bum and it’s time to dump him and not look back.  And yet, that makes it the best relationship book because it encourages women not to waste any more of their time with someone who’s not serious and open themselves up to true happiness, because they won’t have it with those leeches on their backs.

Even though I’m definitely not who this book is aiming for, I appreciated this book because nearly everything I’ve ever wanted to say to my women friends or acquaintances who keep putting themselves in these awful relationships with men who don’t care but they won’t get real and see that they’ve given up two years of their lives when they could have seen the signs within two weeks (and often less.)

They cover all the bases, from signs when you’re first dating that the men aren’t interested until months down the road.  He’s just not that into you if he isn’t: asking you out; breaking up with you; doesn’t want to marry you; disappeared on you; is selfish jerk, bully, or a really big freak.  I was very happy that they picked on that one.  I’m weekly still seeing way too many women together with the jerks, bullies, and freaks, and it drives me nuts that they won’t break away from them.

The worst part is that no matter how often I say it or their real close friends tell them, they keep making excuses for their man.  I just have to say, if your man is being rude to you, make you look stupid in front of others, yelling and/or criticizing every little thing you do, controlling every aspect of your life, etc., he’s not into you, he’s into himself.  The “Selfish Jerk” chapter was a genuine pleasure, and I hope that every woman who reads this book and finds themselves with that problem had the clarity of mind and the guts to cut any ties they had with the creeps.

This book is great, needed to be published, it’s been out for nearly a decade and is still timely and will be for several more many more years to come.

I only have one disagreement with Chapter 4: “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Having Sex With You.”  This is definitely a cultural thing; the writers are in a culture where sleeping around is common and expected, the idea being that if the man isn’t trying to get you in bed, he’s not interested in you at all.  I’m in my mid-twenties and still a virgin, with no plans of changing that till I get married.  I am definitely not part of that culture.

It’s not that sex never crosses my mind, but simply that I have different priorities.  But just because a guy isn’t sleeping with you does not tell me that he’s not interested.  There are other signs to keep your eye on.

The next chapter, though, “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex With Someone Else” I have no arguments with whatsoever.